Torn

(Written January 17, 2009)

While Angie was here, she and I had a lot of really intense "life" discussions. I've made some really close friends here in Seoul, but it's not the same as having someone around who has know you since you were the weird hippy chic that moved to town in 7th grade. So I really appreciated having her here, not only because we always have a blast together, but for her insight.

I told her that lately I've been thinking I will stay another year in Korea. I don't have to sign the contract until May, but I've been going back and forth about it in my head pretty much since the day I arrived. She wasn't a fan of the idea, but after a few days here, she said she realized why I liked it so much and wanted to stay. She could also tell that I was really homesick.

I said I wasn't homesick, I just miss my family a lot. She said; that's what homesickness is Taryn! For some reason I don't like to admit that. Honestly I would be happy as a clam living in Korea another year, but I do miss my family a lot. Actually "a lot" isn't a strong enough word to describe it; more like "tremendously."

I miss picking stupid fights with my sister Alyssa, going to cheesy romantic comedies with Natalie & dishing out sisterly advice, teasing my 13 year old brother Luke about anything and everything, (it's so easy!) my 10 year old brother Matthew's sharp wit and piercing honesty, my Dad and his nerdy jokes, my Mom's practical advice (and nagging), even if it's not what I want to hear. I miss Tink, our little shih tzu poo who I tried hard not to get attached to when we got her last January, but who quickly wormed her way into my heart. Being away from them is really hard. I also have cousins who I am very close to who are getting married and having children, and I hate missing out on important events in their lives.

At the same time, I'm happy here. I have far less job-related stress, I'm learning Korean, meeting new, interesting people all the time, and doing all sorts of random things I never would have imagined, like going bungee jumping, taking swing dancing lessons, singing impromptu duets with ajusshi's (old men) on the subways, the list goes on and on. I never know what is going to happen next in Korea, and I love that.

So right now I am really torn. Actually last night, my friend Jamie and I were chatting with a guy who is really into philosophy and studies Tao te Ching, an ancient Chinese philosophy. He said he could consult the I Ching for us, which is "a symbol system used to identify order in random events" (Wikipedia). I asked the I Ching if staying another year is a good idea, and the symbols I got represent both "gathering together" and "splitting apart," basically two opposing answers. Looks like I'm on my own for this one. (The fact that we were consulting the I Ching in an Irish Pub in Korea is just another example of how random my life is here)

I wish I could just set it aside and worry about it when the time comes, but sadly my brain doesn't work like that. It's always contemplating the next step. However, writing lengthy blog postings about my worries is quite therapeutic. Thanks for putting up with it :)